"The Clone Wars" brought me snores

OK, let's just get this out in the open: I'm not a fan of the new "Star Wars: The Clone Wars" animated film.

Simply put, to me the movie was less about advancing the "Star Wars" saga that began 31 years ago and more about indoctrinating a new crop of young fans who will ask Mom and Dad to buy them new toys. With that in mind, I thought I'd illustrate this entry with some of the new merchandise that's meant to keep the cash registers beeping this summer and keep the dollars pouring into the franchise that should have ended with "Revenge of the Sith."

See Ahsoka Tano here? She's an obvious attempt to bring in a new demographic into the "Star Wars" fold, one that's never really been a part of the fun: little girls. Sure, the original trilogy had Princess Leia, but let's face it: She never really caught on with the girls in my third-grade class the way Luke Skywalker and Han Solo did.

The result? The majority of lifelong "Star Wars" fans are geeks like me, not women in their early 30s. Hence, producers sought to make a new, sassy heroine — a "youngling" who seems like the Hannah Montana of the Hoth set. I think it's great that they're trying to lure girls into the fan-dom, but here it's too blatant.

And these battle droids?! Look at that name: battle droids. Having made appearances in all three of the "prequel" flicks, these guys were Jedi- and Republic-seeking gunslingers. In "The Clone Wars," they're reduced to the Abbott & Costello of Coruscant. Their only dialogue is meant for laughs, again as a means to lure young fans into the franchise, leaving us old traditionalist fans feeling the product is watered-down.

One widely held criticism of the first prequel, "The Phantom Menace," was Jar-Jar Binks, a needless (not to mentioned animated) character whose sole purpose was to provide comic relief and similarly attract young viewers. He was then all but eliminated from the subsequent "Attack of the Clones" and "Revenge of the Sith," though both Ahsoka Tano and these battle droids seem to be Jar-Jar's reincarnation, serving the same respective purposes.

And this Giro the Hutt guy? He's supposed to be Jabba the Hutt's uncle, though we've never heard of him before. Just watch the movie and make up your own mind about him. Enough said.

There were other instances in the film when I was thinking to myself, "This isn't 'Star Wars!' " Indeed, in my mind, it was just 98-minute commercial for new merchandise — all available in a toy department near you! — or a primer to the new "Star Wars" world, which has nothing to do with the films millions of fans like me grew up watching in the late '70s and early '80s, and little to do with the prequels. George Lucas even deemed it "an afterthought" in this interview from the spring.

In short: If this movie is supposed to be a glimpse into the new "Clone Wars" TV series, I won't be watching. While the three prequel films seemed distant from the original trilogy, this latest flick is even further away; how faint a memory will Luke and Leia seem when the TV series begins?

If nothing else, though, this summer's offering makes me want to warm up the DVD player and pop in "Episode IV: A New Hope," the one that started it all. Then "Episode V" ... then "Episode VI" ...

Yeah, admittedly, this may seem like way too big of a fuss to make over a movie, but it's more than that. I feel like an integral part of my childhood — "Star Wars" as a whole — was sold out for nothing more than a new chance to sell action figures like these.

I'll try to forget such vain attempts and keep memories of the old "Star Wars" franchise preserved forever, like Han Solo frozen in a block of carbonite!