Paris WHITNEY Hilton???

Yup, Paris' middle name is Whitney!

Did you know that? Me, neither!

That's just one of the tidbits I learned by reading the online petition her friends and fans have begun to try to sway California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger to keep Paris (seen here in an AP file shot during better days) out of jail after she was sentenced to 45 days in the slammer for several violations, including DUI.

You have to read this thing!

Among the rest of the drivel contained in the petition (and I'm quoting here): "Hilton is notable for her leading roles on the FOX reality series The Simple Life and in the remake of the Vincent Price horror classic 'House of Wax'. In addition to her work as an actress, she has achieved some recognition as a model, celebrity spokesperson, singer, and writer."

Are you serious??? They're using "House of Wax" as one of the reasons for keeping her out of prison?! I paid $1 on a Tuesday at the South Hills Mall theater to watch that 80-minutes piece of drek and I wanted to put her in jail! (I also wanted to sue her and get my buck back! I'm sure she's got the cash.)

Let's look at the rest of her "credentials," as laid out in the petition...

Model? OK, I'll give you that. She even looks hot in this recent court sketch, compliments of the AP. And you know when she comes out of lock-up, girls everywhere are going to start wearing orange jumpsuits!

Celebrity spokesperson? Sure. Remember those Carl's Jr. commercials where she was washing a car and eating a quarter-pounder at the same time? Wowsers!

Singer? Admittedly, her debut single, "Stars Are Blind," was a guilty pleasure for me ... much the same way watching the first season of "Silver Spoons" on DVD will be, come June. (See the May 2 post)

But writer??? That's where I've got to draw the line! Yeah, I know she "wrote" an autobiography, but (call me a cynic) I find it hard to believe she can read a book, let alone write one.

On the off chance that the online petition doesn't work — though how could it not?! — you get the feeling Paris will have plenty of time to learn.